Recognize and see how the role is to separate the Sacrifice from oneself. Understand that this is not all of you, that this role can be changed to a more effective model of behavior. This is the most difficult stage. And this is 50% success. You can consider this role from the outside, as a character within you, thereby separating from it. We can neither see nor get rid of what we are completely merged with. Watch yourself - how this role manifests itself in your daily life and relationships. At the first stage, just note: oh, I fell into the Sacrifice again. Give yourself time for this, you don’t have to fight it right away, it will be difficult. Just look at it openly.
1. If you did not know love
Perhaps you never knew parental love, and with a partner your feelings did not go beyond a banal attraction. Then the heart will "keep silent" this time. You may have to go from the moment you conceive, building your life virtually anew. Before giving birth to their children, it is advisable to be born correctly yourself. As psychologists say: "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." It really is. If you did not know love, it is worthwhile to deal with this problem as early as possible, preferably long before the start of the search for a partner, and not just before planning the children.
2. Problem with a partner
Perhaps you cannot express love to a child from a particular man. See if you can confess your love to him yourself? Try to understand at what point you lost your feelings for a partner or lost the opportunity to express love to his child. Perhaps at the start of the relationship there was no such problem. There may be a scattering of reasons, and for the most part they are removable. But, if you do not have mutual insults and other introduced factors, and you cannot love a child from this particular man, even working with a specialist does not help, probably you should not continue the relationship. It is better to disperse at this stage than to spoil the life of each other and future children.
3. The problem with children and motherhood
You are unable to harmoniously imagine the child in your arms and love for him does not arise regardless of the partner. At the same time, there is no problem with love itself, and you can easily express it to your loved one, loved ones and the world around. This may indicate problems in relation to children or the fact of motherhood / paternity. This may be banal immaturity, the negative experience of your parents, your own difficult childhood. It can be domestic settings prescribed in the subconscious. For example, "no children have their own apartment, car, wealth, or ideal health." As the saying goes, "underline what is needed."
There are more points and they all become visible at a specialist appointment. I did not have to encounter fatal problems. But there are problems whose solution requires very serious, consistent and lengthy work. And the more time is devoted to it, the greater the result and the cardinally positive change in life. In some cases, even the word “change” is incorrect, it is just a new happy life, replacing a past existence without love and meaning.
The space of love is a beautiful garden that requires care, and sometimes restoration
There comes a time when you can hold a child in your arms in love, feel love for your partner and are loved by him. As a couple, you are able to create a space of love, not only for yourself, but also for unborn children, which means you are ready for conception, pregnancy and childbirth. Just do not think that the work done is enough for a lifetime and you can do nothing more. The space of love is a beautiful garden that requires care, and sometimes serious recovery from hurricanes, passions and troubles in family life. Love must be protected and cultivated, but it is truly worth it!
And the child will thank you for the work on yourself that you did before conception. He will allow his behavior and health to expand your space (your garden) even more, so that you can experience the fullness of love and family happiness. Soon you will think about the second child.
Restoring the natural ability for any person to love is one of the main directions in my work. For most people, this is easier than they could imagine. For those who have not known love since childhood, the unfolding process can take time and require effort. But this is probably the most grateful occupation in life. After all, a revived heart really changes for the better the whole life of a person in all its manifestations.
It is never too late to open your heart and start a new happy life!
Alexander Gorny - teacher, psychologist, writer, philosopher, consultant, retreat leader. His site.
We're sorry to be parents: stories of three mothers
It is believed that motherhood is absolute happiness. In a world full of divorces, the only unshakable love was the love of a child. But not all women dream of children or are happy in their motherhood. They give birth to children, and then regret it. A few stories about mothers who decided to oppose public opinion.
What men lie about: 12 common tricks
Manipulators are prone to pathological lies. How do they manage to deceive us for so long? They create a very convincing and charismatic image for others: they are sweet, sociable and helpful. Recognizing these characters in the early stages of dating is very difficult. We analyze the false assurances with which they "lure" us.
2. Recognize the value and benefits of inheritance
Let the coat be tight and heavy, but warm. Analyze, realize the benefits of this role for yourself. In this seemingly unattractive behavior model, there are many hidden benefits and resources. This, for example, is the help and pity of others, the significance and importance of your Victim, etc. Find your personal secondary benefits of being a Victim. What does it give you good in life?
3. Sew a new coat
A role is a whole complex of habitual reactions: behavior, thoughts, feelings, words, attitude, even appearance. If the role is removed and nothing is put in this place, there will be a hole. And so when we seem to be getting rid of it, we suddenly find ourselves in this model again. How does this happen? When you saw, realized, disconnected, removed automatic reactions, then there is emptiness, freezing, discomfort inside. If there are no options for a new reaction, the role returns, because it is habitual to react - it is easy. Create a substitute for familiar sacrificial behavior. Write a scenario in which you will live without a Victim.
4. The model and style of the new coat is a creative process.
So that this was not another stuffy role, but a living and real you, it is better to form a new position yourself. What do you yourself want to feel and live in your motherhood, how do you like to relate to this, what forms are suitable for you? For example, I want to be with children all day myself, but relaxed, or I want to go to work and be with children for several hours a day, but on, or I want to work and be with children at the same time. There are options - look for the closest, most comfortable option for motherhood. You can peep at others to see what responds to you, as it happens differently, as you like.
6. Decorate your new coat
In parallel with this process, devote more time to yourself. Remember that you are a woman, return female energies and conditions inside. Be beautiful, easy, flirty, sexy, playful, creative. Look for what brings you into such a state: dance, drawing, salon, spa, shopping, seminars, friends, bars, travel. Remember that you used to love, and then forget, because you could not afford. Let me already! Make a real list of where and how you will go to walk your woman so that she rests from motherhood and comes to life again.
As my 12-year experience in therapeutic practice shows, 90% of women, one way or another, live this period of sacrificial motherhood in their lives. Moreover, this is normal and even necessary at the stage when the baby is completely helpless. The only difference is how long it lasts for each of us - a year, three, seven, seventeen years, or, as a result, our whole life. And choose only us.
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What is a parental position and why is it needed
These are the values and attitudes of parents, expectations, methods and strategies of education. When there are no contradictions, then with children everything goes more or less smoothly. And in case of trouble, just check your internal compass and continue on.
But often in this database a lot of things are mixed up, as if in a soup. Something was inherited from my grandmothers, something my mother whispered, something is now accepted in society. Of course, there are ideas of their own, but it can be difficult to believe. Social attitudes and mother's spell are stronger.
Now, if it were possible to sort it all out by bricks, and leave only the most useful and pleasant. This is what is called the construction of the parental position.
You are mother
Let's start with social settings. They usually sound like "the mother must be such and such," "the child must be given such and such." Tough, unconditional, categorical, contradictory.
For example, the setting “with children you need to be friends and create close and trusting relationships” is now very popular in society. This is good for children - yes. But many mothers have no experience of close relations with parents in their own childhood, and then it is not clear what to rely on when building contact with children. But this attitude is quite tough, and if the ideal relationship in the family does not work out, the mother has a feeling of guilt, hopelessness, powerlessness.
There is another setting - "children must be successful." And then the mother is faced with a choice, on the one hand she is told that relations with the child are most important, on the other - that he must go to several circles, at the age of 5, study mathematics, English and Chinese, even if there is no time left for contact with the mother .
And there are a lot of such contradictions. If you do not make your own selection of installations, they will often annoy, take energy and strength.
In the practical block you will find questions that will help you figure it out. But when executing this block, please observe safety precautions - be attentive to your condition.
If the questions turn out to be too exciting, you might want to postpone the exercise. If you cannot bear to think about all this, but want to change your motherhood, please contact a specialist who can create a safe atmosphere for you and support the process of change.
Let's put everything on the shelves: take a notebook and pen
Remember all the possible attitudes about maternity that affect you. Some came from childhood, some you found in adolescence or have already gained in adulthood. And consider each installation on the subject of whether it is suitable for you and your family in today's life.
1. To do this, answer the questions:
- What stereotypes and attitudes about education are pressing in society now and affect you?
- When and how did you get to know each installation?
- What do you think of each installation? Do you agree with her? How does she affect you?
- Would you like otherwise?
- favorable - that suit you, have a good effect on you and on raising children,
- unfavorable - that interfere, harm, torment,
- controversial - it is not always immediately clear where to take the installation, or is it pleasant and interfering at the same time.
For example, "Cause Time - Fun Hour." Let's say this setting suits you. How to strengthen it? You can make a clear daily routine and separation of duties. Without fanaticism, but in such a way that it is always clear what kind of business and when should children perform, and what kind of entertainment is built into this program.
4. Adverse installations are the most difficult. They need to be transformed or replaced with favorable ones.
For example, "You are mom, everything else is unimportant." What do you hear here? As an option: "Give up everything, you should not have anything, only a child!" And immediately there appears heaviness, guilt after going to a manicure or to work. It seems in this case, the installation is unfavorable for you.
And what to oppose such a strong stereotype? For example, you can find a balance. In order to keep up with something at least to a minimum extent, and to satisfy the needs of children, and to do other important things.
And then the new installation may be "I am mom, and the balance I AM FAMILY is important to me"
5. The controversial attitude needs to be clarified, reformulated, brought to a favorable level or discarded.
As an example, take the installation "Children - all the best." Why can it be controversial? On the one hand, of course, for the children we want only the good. But on the other hand, is kindergarten the best? Probably, there could be other options.
But kindergarten gives parents the opportunity to earn money, their interests. And if children are well in the kindergarten and their needs are met, then a balance is found. And you can reformulate the setting in "For children - according to the needs and abilities of the parents."
This is a very deep work, it can take time and effort. It's good to do it in parts. At first - just write out all the settings. Then take them one at a time and explore. And once again I remind you, monitor your condition when doing this work.
Ideally, adjusting the parental position is important to do both parents individually, and then discuss the results. If mother is not the only one raising children, then this is a common parental task.
There are other issues - working with values, rethinking childhood experiences, choosing educational strategies. But it is precisely the work with settings that often becomes the first step towards confident parenthood.