If an adult woman cannot call her relationship warm mom - what does this mean? Do I have to try my best to feel gratitude to my parents - or should I not break myself and leave everything as it is: disputes and scandals or cold distance? Why is the theme of gratitude to mom so painful for most of us, and can it be cured?
Gratitude to parents is a topic worn out on all sides. From the pot into the head, they drive each one with a ten-pound hammer:
- Parents gave you life, be thankful.
- They feed you, dress and educate you - you owe it to the end of your days.
- Everything your parents did is for your good. Say thank you. And leave your opinion yourself you know where!
In fact, the "good aunt advisers" deftly manipulate our feelings. Feeling of guilt and duty. The desire to be "good" in the eyes of the public. And the desire to comply with social standards is a very powerful lever:
“I am ashamed to be so ungrateful!”
“How can you say that to your mother ?!”
You feel you have to play by the rules. You pull yourself, condemn, try to find in the soul at least a drop of gratitude. But the heat inside with respect to parents is not added.
And then the brain begins to drill thoughts:
- Do you really need this feeling of gratitude?
- How to squeeze him out of himself, if the soul is empty?
“And why break yourself like that if they didn’t really try to deserve this gratitude?”
I will say this: kick yourself at least until the loss of pulse in order to awaken gratitude, but to force a relationship that now either consists of scandals, or passes in irreconcilable silence and rejection, will not succeed.
Where did the gratitude disappear?
Most likely, you already have some practice of seeking thanks. Surely they checked on themselves the power of self-hypnosis, awakened their conscience, sought mercy and forgiveness. Obviously not found.
Despite all efforts, the notorious sense of gratitude remained something mythical, almost like unicorns. It is possible there are real reasons for such coldness. Start with this. Realize what you blame your parents for. What is stopping your relationship now?
There may be many options. But most often one of the following reasons applies.
Reason # 1: Poor Parenthood
This is not forgotten. It is not erased from memory either after 20 years or after 40. It is worth remembering, and inside everything boils up from unspoken claims and insults. Moreover, serious and justified. It’s so easy not to get rid of them.
Have you tried to find excuses for your parents? Did not work? Naturally. Because it’s stupid to justify cruelty, rudeness and betrayal of a child. He is defenseless.
Imagine the situation. A teenager tortures a living creature - it does not matter if he throws stones at the cur or tears off the legs and wings of a caught fly. Will you seek excuses for him? Hardly.
Because every child knows that you cannot hurt an animal that is unable to protect itself. He knows, but now he wants to do just that. And there can be no justification for this act.
Now transfer the perception of this situation to the cruelty of the parents. Yes, they are living people. They succumb to fears, fall into confusion, rage from impotence and their own weakness. But is this an apology? Consciously or unconsciously - the choice was made in favor of strength and humiliation of the weak.
What to do?
Stop looking for the background to such actions. If you set a goal, you can come up with a dozen explanations and find a hundred reasons for abuse. That's just no sense in this.
Parents were unfair and rude to you. And this is a fait accompli. This is your past. It is impossible to fix it! Tell yourself:
- Yes, my parents are like that. Yes, I had a difficult childhood. There is nothing to be done about it.
Recognize reality - at that moment, parents deliberately chose to behave in this way. Recognize this and move on.
Of course, in this situation, if you were beaten and humiliated, you should not thank them. But you owe something to yourself: peace of mind, happiness in your own family and getting rid of this "I have to be thankful."
Reason # 2: rivalry with parents
You say to yourself: "I will never be like that!" And you do everything in life from the opposite. Not like them.
You repeat: "I will be better than you, I can and will prove it!". And lay down your bones to achieve more than your parents. Although you do not need this "more" at all.
As a result, such rivalry dooms a woman to at least problems in her personal life. Because instead of creating her own family, she is trying to win competition with her mother in the family of her parents. And this is a guaranteed defeat!
You think I'm exaggerating? Phrase: "I will not be like you, I will be better than you"actually means: "I will be a better wife to my dad than you!".
It turns out that the man’s place in the woman’s heart is actually taken. Naturally, relations with the opposite sex do not add up. Any boyfriend is automatically compared with dad and loses.
When such a scheme works in the head, it is impossible to discern the human dignity. See who he really is. He just clicks in his head: “He is not like that!” He has different outlooks on life, other priorities, other requirements. And so on the personal front things are quite sad.
What to do? Do you want a harmonious relationship with mom? The order in your head will come only when you acknowledge and accept two things.
Mother is taller than you in the family hierarchy. She is the eldest, and you are the youngest in this chain. Which gives her a number of rights. This is a reality and must be reckoned with.
You are 50% your mom. And it doesn’t matter whether you like this fact or not - it’s genetics. You can resist, be angry, with foam at the mouth to prove that you are not her. But the fact remains - half of the chromosomes in your body are hers.
Let the thought comfort you that we are in any case better than our parents. Few people think about this, but in addition to 50% of the mother and 50% of the father, we have another 100% of our own potential. Not a weak prospect, agree!
So get down to business instead of digging in the past. Find a way to realize all 200% of what you received at birth.
Reason number 3: your parents do not value you and were never proud of you
Not always a mother is demonstratively proud of her child. There are various reasons for this:
- Inability to express feelings. Someone from childhood was taught that it’s indecent to brag in public about the successes of your loved ones.
- Overstated bar. Others do not see anything special in the successes and achievements of their child - well, an excellent student, well, an athlete. But it cannot be otherwise!
- For educational purposes. Someone deliberately does not praise the child, thus wanting to spur him to new heights.
- Exorbitant expectations. And someone is angry with his child because he is an inconspicuous middle peasant. Compared to more successful peers, he always loses. All around are well done, and there’s nothing to praise their own.
However, there were many moments in your mother’s life when she was proud of you. When in her heart there was only tenderness and gratitude for you, such a gift from the Universe.
Remember at least the card that you first presented to her on March 8th. Yes, she was not a masterpiece, and there were three errors in the signature. But for mom, she was the best gift. She may not have been able to demonstrate her feelings, but at that moment you lit sparks of joy in her soul.
What to do?
- Understandthat only a small part of what is inside splashes out. In many families it is not customary to express feelings. And while fireworks explode inside with joy and pride for her child, mother only restrainedly says: “Well done, keep up the good work.”
- To realizethat it is the past. And you live in the present. And what prevents in the present to make your mother proud of you? Moreover, now your opportunities are much wider than in childhood, when you, sticking out your tongue, displayed the red eight on the album sheet.
How to feel gratitude, which is not?
First of all, permanently erase from your brain the statements that have been ingrained there that you owe your mom thanks. Forget about it! Now you owe only yourself. Take it as an axiom. You simply must find peace of mind and end the internal conflict.
Want to feel grateful? Just feel, and not squeeze it out of yourself? Imagine that your mother is in front of you now and tell her image aloud:
- Mom, I thank you for.
Remember and voice all-all-all situations when your mother hugged you, cared for, kissed, gave presents, took you to a circus or a park. Anything. Every little thing matters!
So you can reach bright moments. Until those memories for which you can really be grateful. If the relationship problems are serious, it will not be easy for you. Most likely, you will have to repeat the virtual "conversation with mom" several times.
But as a result, you still find in yourself a sincere feeling of gratitude that will settle the world first in your soul, and then in your relationship with your parents.
1. Signs of a windy romantic or swindler
Did you have time to get to know each other, and he already confesses his love and makes an offer? Romantic! But think for yourself: a person who understands what family is and responsibility, or that relationships are deep intimacy, will he make an offer to a practically unfamiliar girl under the influence of a sudden charm? Such frivolity is more likely characteristic of an immature, infantile man. This is also how scammers behave, hoping to “taunt” you as soon as possible, which is also not easier.
Even if he does not turn out to be a marriage swindler, all the same, at the slightest difficulty, he will just as easily give up his intentions, and in general he hardly imagines what a serious relationship is, twisted in romantic dreams. He is not ready to cope with difficulties. Such men usually easily make many promises and take on many obligations, trying to impress and assuring themselves of their reliability.
But really reliable people very rarely make promises, carefully weighing first whether they can actually fulfill them. And more often than not they promise, but they do.
2. Signs of an alcoholic (aka a gamer or another drug addict)
It's not that he will miss a bottle of beer after work or sometimes play a "shooter", although this should alert, but about addictions with all the consequences. People of a certain psychological type (dependent personality disorder) with whom it is unrealistic to build a normal family are prone to drug addiction. Even if such a person does not use, he prefers to get away from problems instead of solving them, and is also fundamentally not responsible for his actions.
In the candy-bouquet period, you may not know that he likes to drink or hangs for days in games. How to determine such a tendency? Listen to how and what he says. Such a man often speaks of himself in a passive voice or uses impersonal turns of speech, such as: “It happened”, “They brought me”, “They forced me”, “I’m out of luck” - that is, he always finds the reason for what is happening to him and what he is doing, not in himself, but in something or someone else. This is a future (or already real) alcoholic or, at least, an infantile person who will have to babysit.
Well-known psychotherapist M. Litvak gives examples declaration of love of an alcoholic: “I can't live without you!” “You are my only chance of happiness!”, “Only you will make me happy!” Here, a person immediately recognizes addiction your happiness and even life from someone else - in this case, from you. It may be flattering, but do not flatter yourself - then you will be “guilty” of his misfortune, as well as of the fact that he drinks or plays. If he promises to give up his addiction “for your sake”, do not believe it - it certainly will not end in good!
3. Signs of a chronic loser
Bribing words: Only you understand me! He complains about life, circumstances, evil rock, parents, friends, ex, that no one understands him. It scolds the country, the authorities, the neighbor, the weather ... A sort of eternal sacrifice of circumstances. You have come across a loser. And no matter how much you babysit with him, he will remain with them. This is his position in life, which for some reason is beneficial to him.
For example, she frees him from the need to do something and allows herself to forgive a lot. He is so unhappy! - what will you take from him? Do not even hope that after you regret it, support and solve some of his problems, he will perk up and develop vigorous activity, as he promises you. He will just find another reason to suffer!
If you think that in response to help, he will also understand you and solve your problems, then here you will be disappointed - his sensitivity extends only to him, his beloved. A person who understands others will not complain of misunderstanding. The reaction to your expectation from him of any contribution to the family will be scandals, accusations and insults. And the search for someone who “understands” him in his complaints is already about your “bitchiness”.
4. Signs of a woman hater
Listen to what and how he talks about his ex. If a man speaks of women with whom he had a relationship, it’s rude and evil, if he proudly says: “Then I told her: Yes you go ... so-so!“Then one can conclude from this how he relates to women in general. Especially if there are people saying something like: “All women are fools (or worse)!”, And in general any emphasis on insurmountable gender differences.
Even if he at the same time extols the Real Woman, singing her “divine” qualities, supposedly inaccessible to the man, he still does not recognize her as a man, categorically refusing her with “male” compensations. This will manifest itself brighter as soon as he considers that some woman does not reach the standards of the “goddess” - she immediately becomes a “goat”, unworthy of human relations.
A man who despises women in principle, considers them to be "second grade" and is capable of being rude to them, will also treat you with time, no matter how much he assures at first that you are "special" and not like those "goats". Naturally, you can immediately say goodbye to a man if he talks about how he hit (pushed, threatened, humiliated - and thus put in place) someone from his ex, if you do not want to walk with bruises.
5. Signs of a boor
A boor is a person who is not able to respect others: their interests, opinions, personal space. Such a person always does not respect himself - and this is not treated. Forcing the boor to make an exception for you personally will not work. Worse, rudeness over the course of life will turn into outright rudeness, up to the use of force methods, especially with children. During the courtship, he can be gallant and helpful. But this courtesy is ostentatious, and not born of sincere attention, and in the little things he will still give himself out.
Watch out if a man: is late, without warning, “forgets” your requests and warnings, does not monitor his appearance, reaches out and kisses when you don’t feel like it, laughing overcoming your weak resistance - such a man is often convinced that female “no” is “yes” and acts in accordance with this "truth."
But the easiest way to recognize the boor in relations with other people. If he puts dust in your eyes, then he will not stand on ceremony with others. See how he behaves with taxi drivers, waiters, in line, how he talks with his friends, and especially with those in conflict. It is in the conflict that the boor is manifested in all its glory! A person who respects himself and others will never cross certain boundaries - he will not insult, humiliate, be rude ... The boor keeps himself within the framework, only while everything is fine and when circumstances force him.
6. Signs of a home tyrant
Does a man like to talk about “a woman should”? He speaks: "I need a woman so-and-so-and-so - and you just come up"? It’s too obvious that such a person is not able to build relationships - he needs a servant and a cook and someone to command ... Perhaps he will even do what the man “should” do, but he is not interested in you as a person or your feelings and interests. And you will not be interested. Are you ready for this?
It happens that at first the tyrant disguises himself. He emphasizes respect for your freedom and choice, while avoiding the expression of your desires and preferences. This should alert. If a person really respects the other, he also assumes the same respect for himself in him - and not only asks about your desires, but also voices his own to come to a mutual agreement, and will not bustle, trying to shift responsibility.
A normal person is not afraid of a conflict of interest, being able to resolve conflicts without going beyond mutual respect. At first, a tyrant can avoid any conflicts, knowing for himself that he will not be able to hide his essence. Instead, he will expect (even to demand deep down) that those close to him will “guess” about his needs, and take offense at the unsuspecting, accusing them of inattention and indifference.
He can say: “As you say!”, “Everything is for you”, because he does not believe in the possibility of agreeing on the interests of both. He has an "either-or": "win-lose" scheme. Sooner or later, the poles will change - and “everything for him” will be required of you, he will try to “win” at your expense.
And of course, the tyrant’s calling card is control. Который часто маскируется под заботу, и самим женщинам кажется заботой. Если мужчина относится к вам, как отец, хочет всегда знать, где вы и что делаете, или ревнует — это точно тиран.Even if you see signs of his “love” in this. Read more about the signs of a tyrant in the article “The head of the family or home tyrant - signs of the disease” It is better to look at examples in real life stories of women about the behavior of a home tyrant at the beginning of a relationship.
7. Signs of the eternal bachelor
Is your chosen “soul of the company"? These men are very attractive - they have charm, a sense of humor, etc. They have many friends and many ideas on how to have fun. There is nothing wrong with the fact that a person knows how to relax. It's bad - when he lives only for the sake of entertainment and communication with friends. He is not interested in work, study, career growth ... and the family either.
What is he talking about, what is he proud of? If all the conversations are built around entertainment, friends and hobbies, he does not have any business plans, and he has the highest rating for something: “high” is a bad sign. Such a man is very jealous of his "freedom." He may be carried away by you, but he will still keep you at a distance, and you will see for yourself that relations with you in his life occupy ... the eleventh place. You may be able to marry him, promising that you will not mind his friends and hobbies. But do you need it?
You will have to have fun with him and accept his friends, which can be a lot of fun until the children go. Family is not entertainment, it will be boring and hard, and he will strive to run away to friends all the time, while you with your child in your arms will flop down, solving all the problems yourself. And if he is at home, he will still find something to have fun (he will hang on social networks, for example), and you won’t reach it ... Even if he doesn’t escape from the “bond of marriage”, you’ll really be alone with a living husband.
8. Signs of a womanizer
“You are the most beautiful of all the girls I met!” - such a recognition betrays his passion for "collecting" girls. A womanizer is a success among women, he knows how to beautifully, “professionally” look after, while deep down he has a low opinion of women, and believes that anyone can be seduced. And usually he has "all the women are whores."
He needs victory, not a relationship. And after the victory over you, he will get bored. And if you hear the arguments from the series: “All men are polygamous” and “We change only with the body - and this does not mean anything, the main thing is not with the soul”, then everything is clear with him: he will not miss the chance to “change the body”: ) An unpleasant surprise from such a man may be unreasonable jealousy - after all, it is human nature to judge by oneself.
9. Signs of a Jealous
I think the jealous is the easiest to learn. The trouble is that at first his possessiveness flatters women - it seems to them that this is love, that they are so distinguished from others. Although in fact, jealousy speaks of his deep self-doubt. But another thing is worse - a jealous man does not trust a woman and does not respect her. He does not consider her a person capable of choosing and being true to her choice. Building normal relationships without trust is impossible, not to mention the fact that a jealous person is simply dangerous.
A jealous man treats a woman as his property, an inanimate object. At first, this manifests itself romantically: “I won’t give you to anyone!”, “You are mine and only mine!”, “I don’t want anyone to stare at your beauty, except for me - wear this skirt only at home.” It can “carefully” fasten the top button on people on your blouse ... And when jealousy takes on threatening forms, getting rid of a jealous person is already difficult.
How not to make a mistake in a man?
Somehow, everything turns out hopelessly - there are only moral freaks all around ... Are there normal, decent men in general ?! - Of course, they meet - and not rarely! Even some of the above signs may not be a "diagnosis" - you must always take into account the age and family in which the man grew up.
For example, sociability at the age of 16-20 does not necessarily mean that the young man will live for the sake of entertainment - these are just features of age. Deliberate rudeness can be just bravado, a clumsy demonstration of "masculinity", which will also pass. Drinking and playing a game does not necessarily indicate a propensity for alcoholism, but may simply be a tribute to the company - it is not the fact of the drink itself that is important here, but the personality and degree of involvement. We’ll still talk about alcoholism - sign up for updates ...
Of course, it is worth looking at his father and his relationship with his mother. There is a chance that a man who has grown up without a father will be a good husband and father if his relationship with his mother is good (healthy!) - such boys already know how to build a normal relationship with a woman, and having suffered without a dad are unlikely to leave their child. But if the boy grew up with an unworthy father, then the probability that he will reproduce his model of family relations and life position is almost 100%, no matter how much he says that he does not understand and condemns his father's behavior.
And vice versa, if his father is a worthy and decent man and his mother is happy with him, then there is a hope that some negative signs that you notice in a man will disappear without a trace in the future. But if you find in the elect obvious signs of the above types, and especially several at once, then you should not hope for changes!
Many negative signs are interconnected and flow from one another, that is, they can be combined in one person. Jonah often happens alcoholic. Misogynist or jealous more often - home tyrant. The ideology of the latter type is well stated, for example, in the book “Woman. A textbook for men. " By flipping through it, you will unmistakably recognize the men with whom it will also fail to create a happy family - adherents of this doctrine.
However, it is useless to try to understand men and memorize the signs of unworthy ones by heart without solving your problems. Who and why do we choose? If your personal life all the time fails, you only come across the heroes of this article, and you don’t even believe that there are others, but you hope to heal them with your “love” or just humbly put up with it, considering it a “female share”, then the problem is you themselves. But this is fixable - I recommend, for example, to familiarize yourself with the book “Women who love too much” and start sweeping out “cockroaches” that lead to unhealthy relationships.
If it seems that he deceived you, pretended to be a "prince", and then turned out to be a "monster" - it seems. No one is pretending - a person always reveals his best when he falls in love. And it is also common for all of us to unconsciously demonstrate qualities that are directly opposed to shortcomings. But that’s why we turn a blind eye to the “bells”, joyfully believing in the primary demonstration and immediately starting to dream about family and children - a good question. Most often because we really want to believe and marry this, and the man’s personality is of little interest.
And sometimes it seems to us that everything depends on the woman, and if the man behaves somehow wrong, then we are “to blame” - “spoiled” him. Or even worse - it seems that what it will be like depends on us in general, and if we start to “behave” ourselves correctly, it will become the same and even better. like we can make a prince out of any “material”. This naive, but warming soul, myth is now actively replicated.
But the man is who he is, and we are not goddesses to turn him into anything. And if he is not capable of normal relations, then this is a reality with which it is better not to argue. To resolve doubts about the new chosen one or to deal with your problems, because of which you personally choose unworthy men, you can at an individual consultation.